Tw1sty

So, I have been collecting these “rules” for a while now… slowly building my list. Some are my own, some have been gathered from multiple sources… but all are important. Anyone can use these rules, but I originally began compiling them as general rules of manliness. I began randomly posting these to Twitter, where I was promptly asked by some of my followers for the full list… well, here it is. Tw1sty’s 100 rules for life:

Rule no.1: If there is danger involved, it is fun. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.2: It is more fun if it requires you to sign a waiver. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.3: Horizontal stripes on your boxer shorts will not make your penis appear larger. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.4: When a girlfriend & a mouse are in the same room, a man does not belong on the chair. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.5: There’s no thrill like the thrill of getting cash in the mail. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.6: Anybody who says “work hard, play hard” probably does neither. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.7: Every dish can be improved with the addition of bacon. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.8: When you die, they will find your porn. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.9: A gentleman never considers sexual activity until the dog has been sent to another room. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.10: Soccer would be a lot more fun if everybody used their hands. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.11: Practicing half-court basketball shots becomes unacceptable after the age of 14. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.12: Your bumper sticker is only 3 percent as clever as you think it is. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.13: You should never spend more than $20 on a pen. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.14: Mail that comes in envelopes with windows is never good. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.15: A man can never own too many pairs of socks. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.16: Money may not buy happiness, but it’s a hefty down payment. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.17: It’s ok to die never knowing how electric eels mate without electrocuting each other. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.18: Reaching over to flush another man’s urinal is universally frowned upon. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.19: You really need closer to two apples a day to keep the doctor away. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.20: Old people always have exact change. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.21: People who live in glass houses watch 65 percent less porn. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.22: Three bowling trophies equals one Oscar. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.23: When it comes to air freshener, a little goes a long way. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.24: Unless you’re a professional cyclist, or have lost a bet, take off the lycra bike shorts & burn them. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.25: Goji berry is the funniest berry. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.26: If you can’t make it good, make it big. And if you can’t make it big, make it red. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.27: The angrier the man, the more misspellings in his emails. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.28: A man driving a minivan is half a man.#tw1stysrules
Rule no.29: Disc 2 is the best disc in a box set. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.30: Flame decals do not fool passerby into thinking your car is hot. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.31: It’s better to get wet, than to be seen wearing a plastic poncho. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.32: no matter how furtive or quick the glance, a woman always knows when you’re looking at her breasts.#tw1stysrules
Rule no.33: No talking at the urinal. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.34: The is no shame in a peanut butter sandwich. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.35: The lower you wear your bass guitar, the cooler you are. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.36: For the last time, no goddamn speedos! #tw1stysrules
Rule no.37: There is no dignified way to ask why you weren’t invited to the pool party. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.38: Orange things have to be round. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.39: Low fat milk is bullshit. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.40: There are few arguments between friends that cannot be resolved with a Google search. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.41: Bald umpires are excellent, no matter the sport. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.42: People who tell you they like the taste of eggplant are lying. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.43: Never trust a man with two first names. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.44: The only acceptable pick-up line is: “Hi, my name is [insert your name], what’s yours?” #tw1stysrules
Rule no.45: The last slice of pizza is always the tastiest. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.46: Never play card with a man who wears a visor. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.47: The slang used by teens in TV dramas is exactly 3.5years behind actual slang. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.48: “Before” models are more likely to respond to fan mail. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.49: When it comes to personalised stationery, men don’t have it. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.50: There is nothing funnier than swearing puppets. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.51: No straws. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.52: People who use the word “classy” aren’t. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.53: At the checkout counter on your 3rd date, if she says “oh, we’re gonna need chocolate syrup.” Don’t question it. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.54: No matter how good your numbers are, cholesterol is never something to brag about. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.55: Laundry activity shall be outsourced whenever possible. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.56: If you are unsure how much cologne is enough, you are not allowed to use cologne. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.57: You’re not supposed to like your job. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.58: It’s ok to be friendly to cops. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.59: There is nothing good about berets. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.60: Any restaurant that claims on its sign to be famous probably isn’t. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.61: On any roadtrip, he who is driving gets control of the radio. No exceptions. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.62: There is no reason a couple should share one email account. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.63: There is no shame in milk & cookies. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.64: Midget humour is overrated, monkey humour is underrated. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.65: Never wave at a video camera. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.66: A muffin is just a cake in the shape of a mushroom. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.67: Do not give yourself a nickname. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.68: The history channel is not a substitute for reading a book every now and then. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.69: Full frontal nudity isn’t necessarily sexier than nudity seen from the side. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.70: Socks should never be combined with sandals or thongs. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.71: Men wear clothes, not outfits. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.72: Never utter the words I & Love & you if you have had more than three drinks. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.73: At the work Christmas party, always consume one drink fewer than your boss. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.74: Women like a man who likes women who like to eat. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.75: While on a “boys weekend” 93 percent of statements can be turned into “that’s what she said” jokes. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.76: You are free to be a vegan, all we ask is that you do so quietly. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.77: Self-expression is not achieved via cartoon character ties. Unless the goal expression is “loser.” #tw1stysrules
Rule no.78: Nobody cares about your dreams. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.79: After dinner, when you reach for your wallet slower than everyone else… they all notice. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.80: You don’t pay cash at the dentist. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.81: Leave the flavoured lip balms to the preteens and prostitutes. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.82: People who say they don’t watch tv mean that they fall asleep with the tv on. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.83: The shortest line will always have the slowest people. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.84: When in doubt, pick “C” #tw1stysrules
Rule no.85: Always buy new shoes after 2pm, when your feet have swollen to their maximum size. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.86: People who laugh at their own jokes are one-tenth as funny as really unfunny people. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.87: If it bends, it’s funny. If it bends 2 ways, it’s even funnier. If it bends 3 ways…. marry it! #tw1stysrules
Rule no.88: Do not antagonise a man with an eye patch. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.89: The only entity powerful enough to resist pork is God. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.90: If you’re attending a comedy show, no good can come from sitting in the front row. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.91: Every man should shout a round for an entire bar at least once in his life. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.92: Any recipe requiring Cumin is nothing but hoop-jumping bullshit. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.93: There are few things sadder than a man over 40 playing air guitar. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.94: Effigies don’t have to be anatomically correct, as long as they’re flammable. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.95: Every man needs a pizza joint that he will vigorously defend as “The best in the world.” #tw1stysrules
Rule no.96: Laugh at your enemies. It couldn’t possibly make things worse. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.97: Compulsively clicking refresh will not make people email/tweet you. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.98: Barley is the most underrated grain. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.99: No one will ever tell you that the chicken salad was not made today. #tw1stysrules
Rule no.100: There is always a plan B. #tw1stysrules